When David listens, his eyes wander, never quite meeting yours. He’s been called distant or rude. Yet those close with him know he’s not ignoring them, but truly focusing.

For decades, autistic people have often been portrayed as lacking empathy or social skills. However, the Double Empathy Problem offers a renewed perspective on what most in the neurodivergent community already know. Yes – autistic people are loving, kind, and deeply empathic beings too! Horizon Therapy offers autism support in Toronto with therapists who understand autism and who are non judgmental, skilled, and compassionate.

What is the Double Empathy Problem related to Autism? 

Coined by Dr. Damian Milton in 2012, the Double Empathy Problem theory suggests that autistic and non-autistic people can experience bi-directional challenges in communication and empathy. In other words, both groups may frequently misunderstand each other because they perceive and express emotions, social cues, and intentions in fundamentally different ways. 

Interestingly, the Double Empathy Problem also shows us that just as neurotypical people communicate easily with one another, autistic people also tend to communicate smoothly with other autistic people. This highlights that the issue isn’t about a lack of empathy, but about differences in how empathy and communication are expressed and understood.

Everyday Moments Where Misunderstandings Happen

  • A direct communication style from an autistic person can seem abrupt or rude to a non-autistic person.

The intention though is often to value honesty or show respect for another person’s time.

  • Avoiding eye contact may be interpreted as a lack of interest in the conversation.

From an autism support affirming perspective, we understand that this action however helps many neurodivergent individuals focus on the conversation, and respond to what’s actually being said.

Why This Perspective Matters

Internalized Oppression 

Many autistic individuals have felt pressured to mask themselves and adapt to neurotypical ways of being. Over time, suppressing one’s authenticity to internalize neurotypical frameworks can act as a form of internalized oppression. 

The Stigma of Being Othered 

Those in the neurodivergent community have navigated their entire lives being frequently misunderstood. This leads to stigmatization that can deeply affect wellbeing and self-esteem. 

Importantly, autistic people do not act differently because of a ‘deficit’. The autistic brain simply operates and perceives the world differently – and that’s okay.

Takeaways 

If you’d like to talk to a therapist who is neurodiversity affirming for autism support in Toronto or across Ontario, Horizon Therapy has a team of regulated counsellors who understand autism and relationships. For autistic individuals, learning about the Double Empathy Problem can be deeply valuable:

  • It provides a gentle reminder that autistic brains process and express the world in a different, yet completely natural way. 
  • Understanding these communication differences helps reframe past experiences of feeling misunderstood. 
  • Empowers autistic people to actively seek out neurodiversity-affirming people, therapists, or communities who recognize and respect autistic ways of being.

Ultimately, everyone deserves to feel understood, and learning the Double Empathy Problem can be the bridge that connects autistic people with non-autistic people. And perhaps the way we begin building this bridge is by approaching one another with curiosity and compassion.

FAQ About Autism

Do autistic people experience empathy?

Yes. A common misconception is that autistic people lack empathy, but many autistic individuals experience deep emotional empathy and care strongly about others. Differences are often related to communication styles, sensory processing, emotional expression, or difficulty interpreting social cues, rather than a lack of compassion or emotional connection.

Why can empathy look different in autistic individuals?

Autistic people may express empathy differently than neurotypical individuals. Some may struggle to quickly read facial expressions, tone, or implied social expectations, while still feeling emotions very intensely. Others may show care through problem-solving, practical support, honesty, loyalty, or deep listening rather than through expected social responses.

Can therapy help autistic individuals and relationships affected by misunderstandings around empathy?

Yes. Therapy can help autistic individuals, partners, families, and neurodiverse couples better understand communication differences, emotional needs, sensory experiences, and relationship dynamics. At Horizon Therapy, therapists support neurodiverse individuals and couples in Toronto and across Ontario with relationship communication, emotional understanding, self-esteem, anxiety, masking, and connection.

About the author: 

Hi, I’m Glen Zheng – an MSW Intern at Horizon Therapy. I hold a Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy from Simon Fraser University, and am pursuing my Master of Social Work at the University of Toronto..

Helping people navigate complex challenges related to cultural identity, immigration, ADHD, autism, attachment, life transitions, and trauma, I apply an approach that is compassionate, client-centered, and at your pace. My goal as a therapist is to help you live life your way. 

Outside of the clinic, I enjoy exploring the backcountry, listening to music, and playing board games.

 

Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883-887.

Milton, Damian, et al. “The “Double Empathy Problem”: Ten Years On.” Autism, vol. 26, no. 8, 20 Oct. 2022, pp. 1901–1903, https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221129123.