Even couples who don’t argue much can feel like something is off. A couple we worked with once said they rarely fought, but when they did, it left them both feeling distant and misunderstood. What confused them most was that the arguments weren’t loud or constant. Still, something about the way they communicated left lasting tension.
John Gottman (Gottman & Silver, 2015) teaches that it’s not how often couples argue, but how they argue that predicts relationship outcomes. He identified four common communication habits: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, that have a damaging effect on connection. These patterns show up in many relationships, often without us realizing it. If you’re searching phrases like marriage counselling Toronto, you’re likely already sensing that something in your dynamic needs more care. Understanding these four habits is a helpful first step in moving toward safer, more respectful communication.
Criticism: Turning a Complaint Into a Personal Attack
It’s natural to get frustrated, especially when we feel like our needs aren’t being met. But there’s a difference between saying, “I wish you’d help with dinner more often,” and saying, “You never care about what I need. You’re so selfish.” The first is a complaint, a clear statement about how you’re feeling. The second is criticism, which attacks the other person’s character.
Criticism often shows up during stressful moments and sounds like blame. It might begin with “you always” or “you never,” and make the other person feel like they’re the problem, not the behaviour. Over time, repeated criticism can chip away at safety and closeness.
To shift out of this habit, we can try a simple reframe. Focus on your emotions and needs instead of your partner’s flaws. For example:
• Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel unheard when we’re talking, and I really want to feel more connected.”
That small shift in words can lower defensiveness and keep the conversation on track.
Contempt: The Most Dangerous Communication Habit
Contempt is criticism taken up a notch. It doesn’t just blame; it shows disrespect. This can look like eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, or mimicking. Even subtle cues like tone and body language can carry contempt without us saying a word.
Contempt makes the other person feel small or unworthy. Over time, it can turn connection into distance and make repair feel almost impossible. Gottman’s research found contempt to be the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown.
What helps? Shifting from contempt to curiosity. When irritation rises, try asking yourself, “What’s really bothering me underneath this? What do I need right now?” Staying grounded in your own emotions can stop contempt in its tracks. And expressing appreciation regularly, even when you’re annoyed, can allow space for warmth to return.
Defensiveness: An Automatic Reaction That Escalates Conflict
Nobody likes being blamed. It’s natural to want to defend ourselves. But when defensiveness becomes the default, it blocks us from hearing our partner and often fans the flames of the conflict.
Defensive responses might sound like:
• “It’s not my fault you’re upset.”
• “You’re the one who started it, not me.”
These reactions might feel protective in the moment, but they shift focus away from understanding each other and can create a loop of back-and-forth blame.
One way to break the cycle is by taking a breath and asking yourself, “Is there any part of this I can take responsibility for?” That doesn’t mean accepting blame for everything; it just shows that you’re willing to meet your partner halfway. Often, saying something like, “I get why that upset you, and I could have handled that better,” can do a lot to soften both sides.
Stonewalling: When Shutting Down Feels Like the Only Option
When arguments get heated, some people check out. Maybe they go quiet, walk away, or stare into space while their partner’s still talking. That’s what stonewalling looks like, and it often comes from feeling overwhelmed or flooded emotionally.
For the person who shuts down, stonewalling feels like self-protection. But for the person on the other end, it can feel cold or punishing. Left unchecked, this pattern can widen the emotional gap and leave both partners stuck in silence.
One helpful strategy is to pause the conversation before it becomes too much. Taking a 20-minute break to walk, breathe, or calm your body can make it easier to return with more clarity. Letting your partner know you’re taking space to regroup, not to punish, makes a big difference in how supported both of you feel.
Moving Toward Healthier Communication Together
These four patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, are common in relationships. They don’t mean your connection is broken. They just point to places where something isn’t working.
Being able to see these habits for what they are is the start of creating change. We all fall into unhelpful patterns sometimes, especially during high-stress moments or when old wounds get triggered. The good news is that awareness opens the door to something new.
We provide trauma-informed, evidence-based couples counselling at our Avenue Road office in Toronto, as well as secure online therapy sessions throughout Ontario. Our practice is LGBTQ+ affirming and welcomes couples from all backgrounds seeking safe, non-judgemental support. If you or your partner are looking for timely care without wait lists, our therapists are ready to help.
FAQ About Gottman Therapy
Gottman therapy is a structured, research-based approach to couples therapy developed from decades of relationship research. It focuses on strengthening friendship, improving communication, managing conflict more effectively, and increasing emotional connection. Many couples searching for therapy in Toronto are drawn to Gottman methods because they are practical, skills-based, and evidence-informed.
Gottman therapy can help with communication breakdowns, recurring conflict, emotional disconnection, trust issues, infidelity recovery, intimacy concerns, and feeling stuck in negative interaction cycles. It is often used to help couples move from criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal into more understanding and supportive patterns.
Gottman therapy typically includes assessment of relationship strengths and challenges, followed by structured interventions that focus on communication skills, emotional regulation, conflict management, and rebuilding connection. Couples may also learn specific tools such as “soft start-ups,” repair attempts, and ways to de-escalate arguments.
Yes. Many couples begin therapy with different levels of motivation or emotional openness. Gottman-informed approaches can help both partners engage in the process at a manageable pace by focusing on concrete tools, reducing blame, and building safety in the relationship before deeper emotional work.
Support for Couples at Horizon Therapy
If you and your partner are asking yourselves whether you need support, reaching out for marriage counselling in Toronto doesn’t mean you’ve failed. In fact, it can be a powerful step toward feeling heard, respected, and more connected again.
At Horizon Therapy, we understand how hard it can be to take that first step toward feeling more connected as a couple. Noticing patterns that create stress or distance is an important part of opening up to change, and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Working with someone trained to support healthy communication can make room for real progress together. You can learn more about how we support couples through marriage counselling Toronto and what a safe, respectful space could look like for you both. When you’re ready to talk, we’d be glad to hear from you.
About the Author
Tammy Marcus is the owner of Horizon Therapy. She has a Masters of Social Work from the University of Toronto (1996), is a graduate from the Toronto Institute for Relational Psychotherapy’s four year training program (2001), and is a Registered Social Worker and Clinical Supervisor with the OCSWSSW.
