“Man up.”

“Work harder.”

“Stop crying.”

All common messages men grew up hearing – and internalizing – over time. 

In this article, I dive into the reasons why “tough love” can make it harder to process loss, harming boys and men alike. Whether you’re here to process your own grief, or here to support a friend, brother, father, or partner, I explain how “tough love” may be blocking men from processing loss from their lives and why seeking compassionate grief counselling Toronto can be an important step toward healing.

Why Tough Love?

So, why is it so common for boys to receive tough love? 

  • The reality is that many of our parents and grandparents grew up in environments shaped by economic hardship, war, hunger, or scarcity. In those conditions, resilience and emotional control were survival tools.
  • Masculinity became linked to strength, productivity, and emotional control. Tough love wasn’t meant to wound; it was meant to prepare.
  • Tough love can work – for the moment. In challenging situations, suppressing emotions can help tolerate immediate distress, or even provide the capacity to function during times of crisis.

But what happens when we rely solely on this strategy over time? Is it possible to always “roll with the punches”, and “get up and move on”?

Emotional Suppression Vs Emotional Processing

With the mindset of “tough love,” men are subconsciously led to believe that they’re weak for dwelling on loss or regret. 

“Quit sulking. Get over it!”

Or perhaps, that by thinking about grief, it will prevent them from being able to function, work, and provide. As such, it makes sense that men try to forget their pain, despite significant losses that touch their very core.

But loss comes in all shapes and sizes – from breakups, job losses, or perhaps the death of a parent. One break up may lead to immense heartbreak. Then, the grief of losing a loved one never really left. So, the weight we carry starts to stack until it becomes overwhelming to bear.

In other words, when grief is pushed down instead of processed, it doesn’t disappear; it accumulates. By using a strategy of “tough love” to move on from our pain, many come to the realization that some things are not easily forgotten.  

So what happens when grief has nowhere to go?

Why Is This Harmful?

When we experience overwhelming pain because of loss and grief, our mind may try to help by masking the hurt in various ways. (Perhaps you have a family member or friend who might be silently suffering in these ways.) 

Here are patterns that arise when men are battling with unprocessed grief internally:

Male Depression – The mind protects itself from pain through distractions or numbing all emotions. This might look like the following: “I’ve been distracting myself with video games for over 6 hours a day, and I don’t even have fun playing anymore…”

Overworking and Burnout – “If I focus on my promotion, I don’t have to deal with this.”

Male Loneliness, Withdrawal, and Isolation – Unprocessed grief can also affect relationships. “I need to overcome my challenges on my own. My family and friends can’t see me like this.”

Shame – “My problems aren’t as big as other people’s; I should have figured this out by now. I can’t bring this up with my wife because she’ll think I’m weak. I’m pathetic…”

Secondary Anger – The mind may redirect pain towards anger and push others away. (Anger can be a common response as men are taught that it’s okay to express anger, but not vulnerability.) “I’m always angry, but I don’t know the reason why… Hey, get away from me.”

When pain via unprocessed grief becomes unbearable to live with, it can make the strongest men cave inward (or deflect outwards) until they feel like there’s nowhere left to turn.

To reiterate, it makes sense why men deal with their challenges like this. It’s how we were taught to deal with things.

But remember – our past isn’t our destiny. This isn’t the only way forward. 

Steps You Can Take Today

Remember to give yourself (or the men in your lives) kindness. It makes sense you’re responding this way. You’re reacting to your situation in the way you were taught. 

Feel how you feel. Know that it’s okay to be angry, hurt, or deeply sad. If your body is carrying the weight of grief, the best thing can sometimes be to acknowledge it and process the pain.

Showing vulnerability and crying aren’t signs you’re failing. They’re signs that you’ve lost something important to you. It’s totally okay – and normal – to be sad.

Take things one step at a time. There’s no rush to solve all of life’s problems in one day. Do what you can today, for the things actually within your control.

Reach out. Tell a friend. Share your struggles with a loved one. You don’t have to be silently suffering anymore and why seeking compassionate grief counselling Toronto at Horizon Therapy can be an important step toward healing, emotional understanding, and renewed connection.

Does Therapy Help Men With Grief?

Yes! Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) is one of the evidence-based approaches effective in addressing the grief preventing you from living the life you desire. An EFT therapist can help guide you acknowledge the hurt, process the grief, and integrate your pain into a renewed resilience.

In addition, I recommend matching with a trauma-informed therapist. They can help you by walking through your losses gracefully, offering a warm, considerate, and welcoming environment to navigate these challenges for the first time.

FAQ Regarding Men and Grief

Do men experience grief differently than women?

Men do not experience less grief, but they may express it differently due to social conditioning, cultural expectations, and learned emotional coping styles. Many men are taught to stay “strong,” which can lead to grief showing up more as irritability, withdrawal, distraction, or physical symptoms rather than visible emotional expression.

What does grief look like in men?

Grief in men can look like emotional numbness, anger, restlessness, increased work or activity, avoidance of feelings, substance use, or difficulty talking about the loss. Some men may also feel pressure to “move on quickly,” which can delay or complicate the grieving process.

Why do some men struggle to talk about grief?

Some men struggle to talk about grief due to societal expectations around masculinity, fear of appearing vulnerable, or lack of emotional language or practice. If emotional expression was not modeled or encouraged earlier in life, it can feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable during times of loss.

Can suppressed grief affect mental and physical health?

Yes. When grief is not expressed or processed, it can contribute to anxiety, depression, irritability, sleep difficulties, physical tension, and emotional disconnection. Over time, unprocessed grief can also affect relationships and overall well-being.

Can therapy help men process grief?

Yes. Grief therapy can provide a supportive, non-judgmental space to process loss at a comfortable pace. Therapy can help men identify emotions, reduce isolation, understand their reactions, and find ways to express grief that feel authentic and manageable.

Do you offer grief therapy for men in Toronto and online across Ontario?

Yes. Horizon Therapy offers grief therapy in Toronto and virtually across Ontario for men and all genders experiencing loss, bereavement, emotional numbness, depression, life transitions, and difficulty processing grief in a supportive and affirming environment.

Grief Counselling in Toronto 

It is not always easy being a man, especially when expectations around strength, success, and emotional control make it difficult to acknowledge pain or loss. If the ways you were taught to cope with overwhelming grief are no longer working, it is okay to seek a different path forward and receive support. You do not have to navigate this alone. At Horizon Therapy, we offer compassionate, trauma-informed grief counselling Toronto with options for in-person sessions and secure online counselling across Ontario. Reaching out for support can be the first meaningful step toward healing, connection, and renewed hope.

Hi, I’m Glen Zheng – an MSW Intern at Horizon Therapy. I hold a Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy from Simon Fraser University and am pursuing my Master of Social Work at the University of Toronto. Helping people navigate complex challenges related to grief, masculinity, cultural identity, immigration, neurodivergence, attachment, life transitions, and trauma, I apply an approach that is compassionate, client-centered, and at your pace. My goal as a therapist is to help you live life your way. Outside of the clinic, I enjoy exploring the backcountry, listening to music, and playing board games.